Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
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People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.