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As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
it must be school picture day
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell