her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
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Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
m’lady
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.