My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
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This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
(by @ZachWeiner )
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER