Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
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#damn
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.