Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
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People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
A wise man once said nothing.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.