being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
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Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.