Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
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Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first