Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
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Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.