FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
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me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars