People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.