to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
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I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
S M O L
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it