*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
You Might Also Like
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.