Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.