INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
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I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Bloody internet 😳
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me