Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
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Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Dear Lord..
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.