Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
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Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Whoa 😂
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it