started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
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“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
nobody’s gonna understand
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.