I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
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Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second