If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No