My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
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I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
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Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
me doing my best
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…