I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.