*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
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I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
🤣🤣🤣
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald