News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
You Might Also Like
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him