You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
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I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.