HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
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Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!