You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
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My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Me too 😆
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured