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Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
anyone else like Italian cereal
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.