Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
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[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.