“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
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[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
the composer
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My safe word is Worcestershire
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.