A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
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Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid