I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
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Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.