Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
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I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.