*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
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Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise