To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
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Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
There’s only one good girl here!
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.