Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
You Might Also Like
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.