Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Trying
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that