According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
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Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?