I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
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Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
This is the best one I’ve seen
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Mistakes were made
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Me as a therapist: omg same
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.