Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
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Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
what’s really going on
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.