“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
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This did not end as expected.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.