I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
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I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Has science gone too far?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.