Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
You Might Also Like
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Otters see a butterfly.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
It’s the weekend y’all
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.