still the best tweet of the year by far
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me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.