me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
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Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
all bases covered
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Not all heroes wear capes…