“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
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Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
A little too much information.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
early stone age tool
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner