I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
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Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
You better watch out
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Breaking news:
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Called it