*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
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me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter