My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
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Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
The Onion called it…again.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.