It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
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No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢